Sunday, May 30, 2010

I'm alive

It's been a long week - to say the least. We tried to make the most of it by going to a Farmer's Market the same day as finding out the dreaded news, and it was good for us. We did have a good time going. I'll talk more about it and add some pictures in the following days.

We decided a few days ago we would by a tree or shrub in memory of all our lost babies. I finally decided on a shrub what's known as an english roseum rhododendron. Try saying that a few times fast! It's going to look beautiful when it blooms, but I'm not sure if we'll be here or not by the time it does since we have 2 1/2 years until we're out of the Navy so probably 2 years until our house is on the market.

Either way, it is something I wanted to do in memory so we had to get our back yard ready. Today, even when the rain was trickling down, all of us were outside working on the yard. Yesterday we weed whacked most of the long grass down and today we actually dug up a tree stump and a lilac stump which weren't where we'll plant the shrub but close to it. Then my husband took the new tiller attachment we got for our new weed whacker (it's a Troy Bilt that you can put 6 different attachments onto it that you have to buy, which is kind of cool) and started using that today. It's not completely done, but we had fun. Kiddo had a blast playing in the back yard, digging and getting dirty. What kid doesn't? It was good to do something outside the house and felt like we accomplished something today.

Other news: I'm starting to try and lose weight again so I'll be adding another blog soon. It's not going to focus on calories or counting them, but since I got a recumbent bike it will focus on how many miles I'm logging in. I'm aiming for something like "From Washington to Idaho" and will figure out how many miles it roughly is and try to accomplish that in a year (or by the end of the year). I'm still working out on the details.

P.S. Any one else notice I've now used two Kenny Chesney songs? "I'm Alive" was not intentional though. Haha.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Grow your wings and fly away

Dear baby, you were in my womb so briefly but left a lasting impact. Today my spotting turned into bleeding this morning. Just a gush of blood but enough that your father and I went to the hospital to make sure things were okay. The ER doctors didn't have any good news - you measured a week behind still, but had no heart beat any more. You're my third child I have lost and as comforting as it should be, it hurts to know you're with your grandmother now. How I wish I could see my belly grow, hear your heart beat, feel a kick. How I wish I could hold you in my arms. How I wish I could be your comfort. How I wish I could watch you grow. Instead I'm told to keep on trucking. How am I supposed to do that? I planned my life around you and your brothers/sisters. How can I plan a life without you? I loved you from the moment I got a positive pregnancy result and loved you even more when I saw your heart beating away. I miss you.

Monday, May 17, 2010

More fun times

April 10th we went to Bainbridge Island, WA again. I really love the location, it's got a lot of different areas nearby water. It has scenes of Seattle in the distance, depending where you go and you can find beautiful places to take pictures. That and the area isn't just good for adults but great for children. We started the day at a beach, where I took pictures and my husband and son decided to spend their time on the playground near by. After a while it started getting chilly so we decided to drive around. We found this beach area, where no one could really park near that had the *closest* view of Seattle in the distance. With no where to park, I couldn't exactly have us stop for a photo opportunity. With my husband not having his cell phone, I couldn't have him drop me off for 2-5 minutes either. I was saddened. If you actually look into my husband's sun glasses you can see where our final destination was - a play ground. Probably the best picture I took that day - most of them failed to meet my expectations. Andrew have his fun for quite some time at this play ground, until we decided to walk down the beach a little after ward. By the time all was done it was getting late so we headed out. It's so cute because every time we do an activity like this our son crashes on the way home.

May 10th was "Corey's Day on the Farm" in Silverdale. Andy *loves* going to this!! I'll actually show a few of my pictures from today, since it was a fun filled day with a lot of pictures I loved!! (Sorry won't be showing all of them!!)

First you start with horse rides!! He loves riding on horses. I asked him later if he was going to be a cowboy when he was older and he promptly told me, "yes!!" It's so good seeing him have such a blast and he loves riding all the horses, we probably had him go on 6-8 horse rides during this day!!

Andrew also loved the wagon rides they had. We only went on two rides though - they go around the farm area which only takes probably 4-5 minutes at max but waiting in the line for it always takes some time! The first time we went on the one pulled by a tractor and the second one we went on was pulled by two horses.

I'm sure I could go on about the day! It was definitely a good time and so good seeing Andrew have a great time with the horses. Of course now he wants to go back ASAP and it doesn't quite work that way. Maybe we'll take him to see a rodeo soon though... still deciding.

Since finding out I was pregnant we haven't done as much adventures and escapes. Not because I don't want to, but I find myself too tired to want to do much on the weekends besides stay home.

Sunday, May 09, 2010

Happy Mother's Day

I originally had a post I was going to finish eventually about nerves and getting prepared, but it made sense to post a mother's day message.

As it was mentioned today at church - Mother's day is a very sensitive topic to many people. I wholeheartedly agree. For some Mother's day is a reminder of pain - a pain of longing for a child that they cannot conceive on their own, the children they have lost, or longing for a child to adopt. I've been there and I remember how hard Mother's day was to have come and go. You'd see the pictures of children making their mother cards ("mine" went the alternative route and daddy bought it) and you'd see all these other reminders. To me, even those struggling are a mother in their own and I hope soon to see every one blessed. When people tell me they're not a mother because they're just pregnant with their first - that's not true. You are a mother. If you've had a miscarriage you're still a mother. I'm trying to figure if I can add a thing I found from a friend online who also went through struggles TTC.

Mother's day has other types of pains, but I'm trying to focus on the pleasures. I have one beautiful son. He took 2 1/2 years (technically about a year less, got to consider when my husband was out to sea of course) and one miscarriage to conceive. He's my pride and joy who was born Valentine's day, of all days. Sometimes we get caught up in life and forget how truly precious our children are. He's a smart child, was delayed speaking but we always knew he was bright. Not just because we're biased, either. Yesterday we found a caterpillar that he wanted to keep. We might have - but I found it seemed to be a lot of work to take care of something until it became a butterfly. It was interesting to me, though, because the first words out of his mouth were "butterfly" then "chrysalis". He's so smart and listens so well to what he's been taught! I was so proud. We didn't keep the fuzzy friend - I tried to return him out back and told Andrew he had to find his family.

In fact, he's too smart some times. We were waiting on telling him that mommy is pregnant but we've had discussions about babies and where they come from. I got an ultrasound done last week and so when he saw the picture we just said it was a picture of mommy's belly until we're ready to tell him the truth. (Last time we told him when we barely found out so it was hard to tell him mommy lost the baby. He didn't understand it 100%) I was looking at a pregnancy book and showed Andrew a baby in a fetal position and told him that's what a baby looked like when it was in a mommy's tummy. So today, when my husband got me a figurine of a angel mother holding a baby I commented, "but I don't have a baby yet" (since I suggested a pregnant mother figurine for Mother's Day) and Andrew commented, "No, the baby is in mommies tummy!!" It shocked me, but I think he does understand there's a baby coming. I'm sure we'll talk to him more about it. I think he'll be excited to be a big brother. He claims often he wants a baby sister, but either way he'll feel just as blessed as we do.

Mother's day may not always be celebrated in style. There may be a dirty house, no pedicure or manicure as much as you wanted one, but it's special when you're with the ones you love.

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